Not wrong.

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I long for something real. A deep friendship that evolves into an unconditional love. Meaningful conversations filled with passion and thought. Valuable time spent. Late night phone calls and early morning adventures. Homemade breakfasts and endless playlists for car karaoke. Fingers tracing the palm of my hand.  Warm breath on my skin, and arms wrapped tight around me. Play fights in the kitchen and TV show binge sessions. Cold nights where you pull me close. Rainy mornings spent in bed. Laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Eating far too much but still needing to share dessert. Buzzed kisses that taste far sweeter than the wine. Dancing in the living room. Calling just to say hi.

Everything I want seems so simple,but it is getting more complex, and rare to find.  We think the world is so “COMPLEX” but everything has dwindled down to swipes, comments and likes. Sending a text message doesn’t take courage, sending a photo that will disappear in 10 seconds or less isn’t being raw. What happened to talking face to face, telling someone what you truly feel, what you are really going through. We don’t have tape to cut through, but screens to hide behind. We can swipe right until we get something that is “just right” but it isn’t RIGHT. If we were more honest with ourselves we all know people want to be valued more than a flick of a finger. But we are allowing our world to be run by likes, and swipes. Where messages can’t disappear and true feelings are left out in the open. No one wants to be vulnerable, so we are all hiding behind apps, but at what cost?

End Game

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endgame

It was a cool fall day, the leaves painted the sky a fiery red, yellow and orange. The wind blew as the fallen leaves danced across the streets. I planned to go into the city with a  friend, to watch a hockey game at an overcrowded bar downtown, but my trip was delayed by some Christmas shopping with my mother. I couldn’t rush my time with my her, I told him. I would come meet up with him later. My mother and I finally wrapped up our visit. I scrolled through my phone through the names. I wanted to watch the game but I didn’t want to go alone. I called up a friend, a Bruin’s enthusiast, she’ll want to go, I thought to myself, and moments later we were in my car singing 90’s songs off to go watch some hockey. Now this day seems just like any other day, spending time with my mother, making plans with my friends. The normality of it all, sounds rather boring and mundane. So why I choose to mull this day over in my mind,time after time, because it was the day that led me to meeting you.

My two friends and I crowded around a small table, Max had a gleaming smile, most likely do to the almost empty pitcher of some frothy light beer he had consumed within the hour, or perhaps because Boston was 3 points in the lead. He was always such a great friend, a loyal friend. So when I received a panicked text message from our friend Rachel, he was the first one to take action. She was on the other side of the city and needed a friend to rescue her. Actually rescue her, she went to a function with  a guy she met on some dating website and it had turned sour. We quickly arranged our plan. We shouldn’t all pay for the subway I said, and me being more of a suburban girl, I didn’t really “get” the system anyways, and Max lived not too far. It was settled, without much hesitation Max threw on his leather coat and headed out to save the day. That left me and my blonde and beautiful best friend alone in the city. We knew the city, we just didn’t come here often, we wanted a change of scenery and dodged our way through the wave of black and yellow jerseys to the door.

We crossed the busy street and wandered aimlessly around, we looked like tourists, I am sure of it. We stared up at the pubs, the restaurants, two indecisive girls alone on the sidewalk… “Hey!” someone broke our silence. “Where are you two going?!” someone asked, I spun around, searching for a familiar face, someone from our high school days, maybe a college friend who was visiting Boston, but I found no one I knew. I looked at Aleah to see if she had found someone when she scanned the street. A young man approached us, “Where are you going? You should come with us!” We both hesitated, “We’re  okay”, I stumbled over my words, “We just are looking for a place…” Honestly, we didn’t have much interest in spending time with a stranger, but for one reason or another, as he walked away, “Wait up!, I said. “We’ll come”

There were about five or six guys in the party, just out  to have fun. I had great and hilarious conversations with many of them, but then there was you. To be honest, I don’t know what it was about you that intrigued me. Maybe I thought you were a challenge because out of the entire group you seemed to be the quiet one. So, I asked you for your name, and you smiled. That was it, the first thing I knew drew me to you, your smile. We had a great night, we connected better than I thought we would, better than I had connected with someone in quite some time. My friend had confided in one of yours, so the four of us ended up heading back to his house together.

We spent some time talking in his living room, but we were all half asleep. He told us his roommate was out of town so we could sleep in his room, which made you totally uncomfortable. You didn’t want him to come home, you didn’t want to be in someone elses bed, but you came with me anyway.

We continued to talk until our words faded into sleep. When we woke up, everything seemed so normal. To be honest, I couldn’t believe you respected me enough to just lay beside me and talk. I hadn’t ever think a man would honor me in that way. Our conversations carried through the morning, and I was off. Back to work, back to my normal, back to a life where you didn’t really exist.

I thought of you, and I was trying not to, but then you asked me to see you again…

A Red Sox game…I honestly hated baseball, but I felt that you could make anything enjoyable. So I agreed. You were a gentleman, you held my hand, you made me laugh, you drove me back to my car, instead of making me take the train. But again, just like the time before, you left and life resumed. You were pulling at my heart strings, there was so much excitement and apprehension all at the same time.

We entertained some conversations via text and ended up seeing each other again. You invited me out to your part of town, and introduced me to your friends. It was then that the apprehension started to dwindle and the excitement took over.  I thought that you must have thought highly enough of me to invite me in to your personal life, enough to introduce me to people you cared about. The end of the night in your car, talking about things that mattered most to us, you started telling me about your world, and your life. You kissed me, I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to leave your car. I didn’t want to leave you because I knew there was a chance that this could be the last time, simply because that is the nature of these things today. Unfortunately, when I closed that car door behind me, the door closed on us. Well in my mind it did, your obscure texts and snap chat messages are anything but fulfilling. But this is what we are, this is what we turned out to be.

…Four years had passed since that Fall day in Boston. But, for one reason or another we still lingered on in each other’s lives. We would have short blips of communication. A text, some comment on snapchat. Nothing real, just child’s play, run of the mill small talk.

We agreed to see each other again. The Celtics were playing a big game that night, so you invited me to watch it with you. Driving to your rural home was not something I had planned on doing earlier in the day. I wasn’t dressed how I wanted to be, I had no time to do my make-up or my hair. So, I just got in the car and drove. Two hours later, I was at your door. I walked in, and the first thing I saw was that smile, I could never get enough of. All the feelings came rushing back. After a night with you, we were still at a standstill. I gathered my things, and made my way toward the door; knowing when it closed behind me I would probably never see you again.

Push Through

Life, Uncategorized

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As he lay on top of me, bare skin on mine, his warm breath rhythmically grazing my neck, pressing deep into me, I felt him push right through me. As if I were not even laying between him and my sofa. As if he pressed hard enough to push through the floor, through the foundation of my home, into the Earth. I was a but a shell, something to be moved on through. Something to catch the shattered pieces when they fell. He held me closer and pushed it all through me, the feelings, the thoughts, the emotions of her I knew he was trying not to feel. I knew about him but I didn’t truly know him. And that to him was the beauty of it all…as even though my warm body was wrapped around his, clinging to him, pressing my fingers deep into his back he continued to break through me. He didn’t think I knew what he was feeling…but it was all inside of me, running through my veins, I could feel it in my bones.

 

Point of you

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All the windows were rolled down, the warm summer air lightly grazed my face and swept through my wavy brown hair. You gently took my hand in yours as I stared out across the highway as we drove. There was nothing extraordinary about the moment. No one else in the world would care to write about it, it’s no riveting story, or a beautiful tragedy, or a tale of love or loss. However, it was beautiful. All I needed I had in that moment. Nothing was complicated, and nothing was concrete. We were just two people.  In that moment there was no time, there was no space, there were no rules, just pure, honest, and deep feeling that I would never forget.

For the First Time

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The party swirled around us as we laughed on the dance floor. Five whole years, I can’t believe I hadn’t seen you in so long, however it felt like we had never been apart. I grabbed your hand and led you just barely out of sight into the dim lit night away from the floor.  I looked up into your bright blue eyes, pulled you in and kissed you. No other substance could ever intoxicate me like that kiss, nothing has come close to that feeling since…

 

Haunted

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haunted

Your memory lingers in the depths of my soul, the moments we had together forever embedded in my mind. Our time together was brief but you awakened the deepest part of me, a place I am not quite sure if anyone else has touched. I can’t recall the sound of your voice but I’m sure as soon as I heard you I would crumble to pieces. I could never describe what there was between us, it could never be explained in words. My heart felt light, like it could carry me, float me over the greatest oceans and the largest plains. One smile, that night was all I needed to convince myself to introduce myself to you…

Unsaid

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unsaid

I want to wish you goodnight, tell you I miss you, and let you know that I’ve been thinking of you. Take me back to that place where I was lying in your bed, taking your hand in mine,  running the back of my hand slowly against yours, feeling the contour of your palm, moving my hand up your arm to end tracing my fingers up and down your back. I long for that feeling you give me. My heart races, it gives me a rush that nothing else can. I want to talk to you about nothing. I want to soak in your intelligence and hang on the words you say. I miss your company, and I hope you miss mine. I am try so hard not to break, I want to tell you the depths of my heart but I know that right now is not right…

…And sometimes it seems so strange, like a piece of you still remains within my heart, like we’re still connected though we are apart.  From what I can tell it doesn’t seem you feel the same, but I feel so close, like you are in reach. I cannot make you feel or believe what I do, so I keep my distance. I wish I could have more of your time.

…No one else can fill the space that my heart has carved out for you. Distance keeps us apart, I hope that one day I can feel you again. When you touch me time doesn’t slow down, it comes to a halt…

If only you knew how good it felt to hear your voice. I never forget how you sound, but when that familiar tone hits my ears, my heart warms. It’s such a simple thing, but such a sweet thing to me. The way you speak so quickly, nervously like we’ve never talked before. Your laugh, it always draws a smile across my face. It’s those simple things, the ones that make you, you.

Don’t.

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don't

Don’t lie with me, if you will never stand for me.

Don’t take my hand if all you plan to do is lead me astray.

Don’t hold me if you’re not here to support me.

Don’t dance with me if you are here to play.

Don’t sleep with me if you won’t help me reach my dreams.

Don’t speak to me if you won’t share your heart.

Don’t listen to me if you don’t want to hear me.

Don’t kiss me if your intention isn’t sweet.

Don’t touch me if you can’t feel for me.

Don’t love me if you don’t love me.

Organic

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The warmth of my tears form behind my eyes. I truly never thought I would feel like this. We have known each other for years, but not like this. It all happened so simply, organically as if it were meant to be this  way. As I sit back in my seat, I find myself welling up on the flight back home, normally a place I am desperate to return to. My mind cannot comprehend that I miss you enough to shed tears, but my heart knows the truth. I miss you, and I will continue to miss you until my eyes meet yours again.

Moments

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moments

I want to love being in your silence. A place where we don’t need words to feel close. I am enamored by simply being in your presence. Feeling warmth in your touch, and the surge of love in your finger tips as they drift across my skin. I want to feel my heart race when you smile, and when your eyes lock with mine. I love to miss you, so the next time I see you I feel pure bliss. The moments we are apart are well spent and thoroughly enjoyed but when the two of us are together, it’s like nothing else in the world. (5/10/17)